Mental Rejuvination

I have a curse.  Clearly this curse only allows me to post twice a year (*ahem* procrastination).  But the biggest reason I have to write right now is having a revelation.  After feeling a bit down and discouraged the past couple of days I'm pleased to say I am extremely rejuvinated.  This is not the "I went to the spa and had a massage and facial" rejuvination kind of way, although that would be nice. This is the I got my negative nancy thoughts off of my chest and out of my mind and recieved advice on how to put the pep back in my step.

I have the fortune of having an extremely wonderful core group of people that I can talk to. After talking to a wonderful woman about my fears and apprehensions about my future she pointed out that you can indeed be your own destruction. Now, this is quite a concept for me....how could I possibly be my own destruction? Luckily I am a huge advocate of constructive criticism.  So here are things that were pointed out to me, and things I vow to change.

1. Don't Compare Yourself to Others:  This is so hard to not do.  You see someone in a position you want you are naturally going to compare yourself to them.  What are they doing that I can't do?  What makes them so special?  etc. etc.   This is bad because you stop focusing on perfecting your own being.  You stop focusing on getting your skills and mindset in the right place.  So my goal is to stop comparing myself to people and instead ask them to teach me so that I can absorb their knowledge and exptertise. 
2. Be Aware of Your Surroundings: It is easy to let everyday become mundane.  To get stuck in a rut and a routine.  Obviously this is negative.  You get bored and become robatic, people can tell you are only going through the motions because you have to.  Find something to ignite your passion again and it will make your task that much more exciting.
3. Spread Positivity:  This pretty much speaks for itself.  Be postive and it is going to rub off.  Smile at everyone, even if they look like grumpy cat.

While this is not everything I took out of my heart to heart last night these are the important ones to me.  It is easy to get down on oneself, to tell yourself that you aren't cut out for something or to generally mak yourself feel like crap.  I'm reading a book by Kelly Cutrone titles If You Have to Cry Go Outside: And Other Things Your Mother Never Told You in which she says.

This is an important lesson to remember when you're having a bad day, a bad month, or a shitty year.  Things will change: you won't feel this way forever. And anyway, sometimes the hardest lessons to learn are the ones your soul needs the most.  I belive you can't feel real joy unless you've felt heartache.  You can't have a sense of victory unless you know what it means to fail.  You can't know what it's like to feel holy until you know what it's like to feel really fucking evil. 

 I've read this book before and I'm reading it again because she is a powerhouse woman.  Every woman should have some kind of powerhouse woman in their life, if not many.  She inspires and reminds me that everyone is going to have a discouraging day (some worse than others) but those moments will make you appreciate the sweet ones even more.

Tough lady, but inspiring. Kelly Cutrone

One last note on power women.  I have the fortune of having many powerhouse women in my life.  This is probably much of the reason that I am as strong as I am.  But I have to shoutout this particular one because I believe it is a sign that I ran into her today.  From 6th-8th grade I had the same English/Literature teacher. She challenged me academically, strengthened my writing skills and made me love school.  The things she taught me I carried with me throughout my entire academic career.  She was one of my inspirations, a strong and smart woman.  I had long desired to find a way to tell her how much she impacted my life, but never had a way.  I think the universe works in mysterious ways since in a 24 hour time span I was able to have a revelation about looking up and then I was able to run into a major influence in my life, which reminded me that I am going to continue to grow.  

What Happened to Gentlemen?

I'm not sure at what point in time the good old fashioned dating world changed. However, I'm not too sure I'm happy with the way things have made their turn. Maybe it is the self dependency that women have acquired. Is it the "I'm gonna make money like man, take care of myself like a man and hell fuck like a man" mentality that has gotten us this far? Instead of being asked out on a date I find myself being asked to give a blow job or "let them get it in" (what the hell?? I do not live on the Jersey Shore, no smashing is going to be happening if you ask that way).  Now don't get me wrong, there are times and moments when this type of thing might fly, I just might be in the mood. But good grief is it too hard to say "Hey babe, lets go see a movie and get something to eat" then we can sit awkwardly and stare at one another while we try to come up with suitable topics for a date and hold our clammy hands together and then at the end of the night headbutt one another as we go in for that first kiss.  There is a certain charm when you think of those dates and those times to laugh over. Wouldn't it be nice to start the awkwardness off there than naked in a strangers bed?

I guess I'm just confused.  Now, if you know me (and I'd say most people reading this don't) I am very very very in touch with my sexuality.  I'll talk candidly about my sex life, I'll tell you what I enjoy and what I don't, I'll inform you of things about me that most people wouldn't dare talk about.  But that doesn't mean that I only want to be taken for a sexual object.  I am a sweetheart, I'll do the corniest things and I love to hold hands.  Those moments come far and few in between so mostly I prefer to stay single and avoid the whole world of relationships and dating in general.  Now, I know all guys are not like this. So trust me when I say that I am not lumping them all together. However it just seems like a regular occurrence.

When I first started this draft I was going through a time period where I was basically dealing with the *ahem* douchiest men I have ever met. They just felt that they were somehow blessed and I should be so grateful they were talking to me and succumb to their every whim.  So I decided to delete all of the undesirable numbers out of my phone and start fresh and even try a little online dating.

Let me just say woof (and not like Macaulay Culkin referring to Buzz's girlfriend in Home Alone) but in terms of the quality of men on the internet.  Let's see, common catch phrases include "hey girl, you're so sexxy" or "wud up" and my favorite "you like to fuck?"....uhm I

don't even know what web browser you are using sir I sure as well will not be coming over and letting you have any kind of way with me.  So dear readers I pose this question to you.  Do gentleman still exits? Do you pull out chairs and open doors?  Or is chivalry dead and are women expected to put out on the first date?

Seems to be the attitude of the guys I've been encountering.

24 + 1 = 25 Randomly Awesome Things About Me

So in lieu of my upcoming 24th birthday I have decided to compile a list of things about me that are pretty well known and some not so much. I know the kitschy facespace about me thing (sorta) but this idea has been forming in my head for a bit so here goes:

1. I am obsessed with odd numbers, hence the 24+1. I don't know why but I find them more pleasant. All my tattoos and piercings are done so they add up to an odd number. And everything is asymmetrical.
2. Winter is my favorite season. My temper is much more regulated if it is below 60 degrees.
3. I have kept a journal since I was 13 and try to write in it as much as possible. My hopes, fears, dreams and sappy dramatic love life fill up a bunch of pages.
4. Regardless of what people think about Christmas and its commercialism I will always be happiest during that time of year.  I go a little crazy with decorations and lights. And I'm obsessed with my tree.
5. My brother is 18 and my sister is 5, we are super spaced apart but more alike than anyone could have ever guessed.
6. I can never pass up a good book.
7. I love my new career change. I will never take back going to college but I wish I would have gone to Cosmetology school earlier on.
8. I've had my heart broken approximately one time. Many heart aches though.
9. I wish upon the first star I see in the night sky. I know my wishes don't come true, but I like to hold onto the innocence of ...when you wish upon a star.
10. Pink is my absolute favorite color.
11. My parents are my biggest heroes. They have overcome so much; having a kid as teenagers, being married for 21 years and raising us with integrity.
12. Me best best best friend is Jennette. I hope that we grow old and have wheelchair races while remembering our amazing adventures.
13. I can't get enough of sparkly things. Glitter shoes, eyeshadow etc. You get the drift.
14. I've taken 12 years of French and minored in it in college. I wouldn't say I could speak amazingly but I could definitely have a conversation and find my way around.
15. My hair is curly and 95% of the time I like to keep it that way. Straight hair just doesn't feel like me.
16. I am super impatient. I like to see the results of things as quickly as possible. 
17. Hair color is intriguing to me. I love the way it can transform someone. But I have no desire to color my own. I aspire to become an Aveda Color Purefessional.
18. Barbie was my inspiration growing up. Her hair, her clothes, her shoes and the fact that she could be whatever she wanted. My imagination was out of this world. I am sad that people hate on the fact that her body is disproportionate. It's not Barbie that ruined girls self images, it's the media and our lack of belief in ourselves.
19. Jewelry is kind of my trademark. From big rings to vintage necklaces, I love it.
20. I've learned to smile through almost everything, even if I hurt.
21. If I think you've been having a bad day and I want to make you feel better I write letters to you. Sometimes anonymously and sometimes I'll sign my name. All for the sake of letting you know that someone cares.
22. I bake one mean pumpkin scookie...yes that says scookie (scone+cookie). People have gotten into fights over them before.
23. I don't think I'll ever learn enough.
24. My family comes first, and if I come off as a bitch because I feel so strongly about that...so be it. If I see you potentially putting them in any kind of danger or harm the talons will come out.
25. Spiders and deer mortify me. I know deer seems pretty irrational but I always feel like they are plotting my death...make fun if you'd like.

There you have it one fact about me for each year I've been alive plus one to keep my odd number obsession alive. Hope you enjoy :)

2012

Where to start off?? 2011 was brought in with a bang. Great friends, great beer (GLBC Christmas Ale to be exact), music, a little smooching, the sexiest sky high glitter heels from GUESS and pictures to remember. But what I have taken out of 2011 is priceless. And that is my ability to survive all the bullshit it has given me and know that I had some amazing times too.

I survived:

• losing my job in April 
• losing my chance to move into the most beautiful vintage apartment in Lakewood
• realizing some people could let you down
• seeing the love of my life after 2 years of him being away, talking to him for months then hearing him tell me he was getting married (the day of)
• The first 6 months of Cosmetology School at Brown Aveda
• heartache and general boy frustrations

I gained:

• a new career path in Cosmetology
• an appreciation for the people who have always been in my life and aren't going anywhere
• new people in my life who have been amazing
• the ability to face heartbreak once and for all and know it is necessary in life
• a new outlook on loving myself before seeking it from others.

I'm a nice person and I give alot of myself to other people but in the end after all those Facebook status updates about New Years Resolutions and changing, I've realized something. And that is that no matter what, a date in time isn't going to force you to resolve anything. Only you can do that, and maybe by looking back on the things in time and the year that you had you can learn it only helped define you as a person. I learned I'm much stronger emotionally than I ever thought possible and that I will do what it takes to get things done. I don't need another person, a fabulous job or love to define me, to tell me what is right or wrong or make me feel like I am worth something. Although, there will be times I will feel lonely or maybe distraught but ya know what? It's okay. Therefore I am not making a resolution to tack on the wall and look at in the hopes it might come true but I am going to make a dedication to strengthen my belief in myself and know that everything I do has a motivation and reason behind it and to ALWAYS be okay with my decisions and never stop wishing on the first star I see in the sky every night, because I deserve all of that much and more. At least until the world ends :p (p.s. that was sarcasm...no belief in the end lol)

Happily Dreaming of the Year ahead.

I hope that everyone else has an amazing start to their New Year and they have a bold refreshing outlook.

Major Life Choices

I've reached a fork in the road in my life, I wish I knew exactly what to do.  I sort of hope that something would fall from the sky, hit me in the head and tell me exactly where to go, what to do and who to turn to along the way for the right answers.  Unfortunately that is not the case, there is no instruction booklet that says "do 'a' and 'b' will be the outcome."  You cannot remotely know what to expect in life.  The past month I have had a series of curve balls thrown at me from left and right field (all at the same time) and I'm not very good with hand-eye coordination.  Seriously I've been hit in the face and upper body region with more baseballs (and all other sports balls) than I care to recall, but I digress.

I am at a point in my life where I am job hunting again.  I have a clean slate and I know that somehow it is a sign to move on, but I don't know if I should straight up look for options in places that are not Ohio or if I should look harder in Ohio.  I have friends who have no problems picking up and moving and I know people who have searched and searched here.  I have an inspiration, someone who has moved regardless of how much it sucks and they have done it twice within the past 12 months, they are chasing their dreams they are making the best of the situation and it just pushes me to be brave.  I wish I could be like that, pick up and go, take a plunge.  I miss my bravery, the girl who had no problem taking on "impossible" challenges from the boys on the playground and who could do a flip on the monkey bars w/o blinking.  Slowly throughout the years I've lost that and I'm not quite sure why.

I'm headstrong, smart and always willing to take on a challenge when posed with an obstacle, but there is something about moving that just freaks me out...the uncertainty, the possibility you'll have to move back home, lonliness?  I don't know what it is but I know I'm not the only one with these fears.  Maybe it's just because I don't know what I want to do...get my master's, pursue a career in an amazing city, change professions (cosmetology has always interested me) but I do love the world of Marketing & Public Relations.

This is how all this thinking makes me feel; goofy & not sure what to caption this pic as.

This writing of course is always very therapeutic to me.  Ever since I can remember I have picked up a journal and a pen when things are troubling me or when I'm excited or in love...oh hell whenever there was something I wanted to keepsake.  I think in due time I'll decide concretely, but for now I'm going to just apply to places in other cities to see if I would even hear back.  Why?  Well because you never know when an opportunity is going to arise and if it does why not take the chance...what do I have to lose?

Shallow or Overly Sensitive?

I'm not sure if this blog post is going to be more ranting or more of a general observation.  I've been noticing lately that people have become so fixated on looks that they have become entirely inconsiderate of the things that come out of their mouths.  I'm not surprised and I don't want to reprimand anyone because people are entitled to their opinion.

I know that media portrays a specific look.  And I know almost every woman sits down and compares herself to Heidi Klum or Megan Fox, those women who turn every head and seem so glamorous and enamored by all.  Don't get me wrong, these women are just that and I am on the same page in thinking they are gorgeous.  But we neglect the other beautiful women just because they are not size 0's that everyone wants to have sex with.

I won't lie she's hott, total girl crush but that's not the point.

Why is it that we don't put girls who are over 120 lbs on magazine covers or feature plus sized models?  Women are beautiful in all aspects, we cannot all be perfect barbie dolls who look like we were manufactured in a factory.  We've made things out to be negative: pale, curvy, too tall, stick figure, freckles, curly hair (I remember when everyone would ask me why I didn't straighten mine every day) etc. etc. there are so many.  Everyone has a beauty.  I'm putting up a picture of Crystal Renn, who is now a plus sized model (size 16) who was a model before and had suffered for many years from an eating disorder so that she would be found attractive.

I truly think she is beautiful. 

The main problem is that we've conditioned ourselves to have a really messed up sense of beauty, to treat women as objects instead of people with feelings.  I'm not saying this is everyone, or that it is an overwhelming majority, it is just something I have noticed recently.  From friends comments, banter between friends, hearsay to Facebook statuses etc. etc.
 
I'm going to just shine a light on the fact that I'm not the thinnest person, but I know that I am pretty. My confidence isn't rock solid, but I am proud of who I am and what I have done in my life.  My heart is always in the right place and I'm consistently looking for ways to make people happy.  However, as much as I hear about all those great things you hear people say "if only she was thinner etc. etc."  I won't deny that I could be in better shape, but I'm not going to starve myself to make someone like me.  I am a strong, stubborn, loving, bubbly and dedicated woman.  I'm going to state that if you don't like it, well then your damn loss because I promise you will not meet someone who does half the things I do.  That is a direct shout out to a few guys of recent, have fun with vapid ladies.

Okay okay, maybe the above statement sounded partially conceited, not my intent but I've been frustrated with people lately.  There is a detrimental aspect to being overly shallow when it comes to getting to know people and mainly it falls under not giving someone the chance to shine and show who they are, but also denying yourself the ability to see the exquisiteness of someone under a pre-concieved, society approved notion of acceptable beauty.  So, in risk of being totally shut down do you think that people are too shallow or that I'm being overly sensitive?

Bye Bye Vegetarianism

I have been a vegetarian for about 4.5 years and starting in February I had been having thoughts of giving it up.  However, I wasn't quite sure how to end something that I had been committed to that long.  When I became a vegetarian I was under insane amounts of stress with school, friends and of course boys.  I couldn't seem to make anyone happy and I had a desire to grasp something that I knew I could solely control and no matter what it wouldn't have an opinion about me.  So I woke up one day and decided I was going to give up meat and become a vegetarian. 

I had this theory that if I could eat better, I would feel better and maybe in some aspect  I would be able to make things around me better as a whole.  I was holding a grudge against someone, I hated my classes and I was just fairly miserable for an entire semester in school, and for some reason this seemed like a good way to pull myself out.

I didn't expect to stay a vegetarian for so long, but I ended up being extremely dedicated to it and researched some great recipes substituted meat for tomatoes and found that I actually like mushrooms (of course I tried them about a thousand times before I decided they were okay.)  So this brings me to the whole point of this post, on Saint Patrick's Day this year I really wanted a corned beef Reuben.  I thought about ordering one at lunch but I was worried I'd get sick and I got a salad instead.  My  coworkers were really rooting for me to break the veggie lifestyle but I couldn't do it.  After work my intern and myself went out to the Winking Lizard in Coventry to celebrate his new job and have a drink and it was there that I finally decided to order my Reuben.  One bite into it's corned beef goodness and I knew I made the right choice.  Let me tell you, you never forget what those things taste like.  I'll still be eating a great deal of veggies but I have decided that I'm going to hang out with the protein again.

So have any of my readers been vegetarian and gone back or have you thought about becoming a vegetarian?  Give me some feedback :)

Peace & High Heels